Striving to be Myself

I feel that there are so many times in my life, especially recently, where I struggle with know who I am, and who God wants me to be.  Today, Ben and I went to a new church where they talked about identity theft, and the message really hit home.

So many of us get caught up in our identity, but how do we define who we are?  For most of us, it has to do with what kind of job we have, how much money we make, or our title.  For me, this is absolutely true.  Think about it for a second…when you meet someone for the first time, what’s the first two things you talk about?  First…your name…second…what you do?

This is so challenging for me, especially now, because I don’t have a job…but that shouldn’t matter!  Why does it matter so much?  When we lived in Florida and I was working at a TV station as the Morning Show Producer, I was so excited.  It didn’t matter that I worked third shift, had to drive over an hour one way to work, and didn’t make a lot of money….because I could say that I was a “Morning Show Producer” for ABC!  WOW right?  I remember I couldn’t wait for someone to ask what I did for a living!

Now, it’s the opposite.  Lately, I’ve dreaded the conversation and question of, “Amy, what do you do?”  UGGHH…well I don’t have a job, I’ve applied to about 20 different ones, and I just stay home.  I would, and still do, say it like it’s the worst thing in the world.  I need a change, and quickly…

Just writing this, I get so upset with myself.  But the reason I write this post, is to confess my struggle with my identity, and to hopefully relate to anyone out there who struggles with the same thing.  Today I learned a valuable lesson, and God has shown me lately that HE will guide my way and has a plan for me.  Everyday I continue to pray that God shows me His will for my life, and that He gives me the strength and courage to obey Him. But in order to do so…I must learn to give up control.

In one of my first posts, I talked about how I like to control every aspect of my life.  Well, I can’t…this I know.  I’ve applied to over 20 jobs since May, and haven’t heard back from one of them.  I believe God is teaching me that I don’t need a job to define who I am, and I don’t need a job to carry out His will.  This reminds me of a conversation I had with Ben one Sunday afternoon….I was getting teary-eyed in the car and told Ben that I didn’t think I could carry out God’s will or “work” for God if I didn’t have an income.  I felt that money was tied to success!  How silly is that thinking?..but it’s the truth.

So where does this conversation lead?  Today, I am aware of my struggles and am striving to be a better person, a better wife, and a better friend.  I understand my struggle with control and I want to give that up to God.  I know I don’t need a job to define me as a person, and I believe that God has a plan for my life.  I believe God gave me the passion to write for a reason, and I want to continue to listen to God and obey His plans for my life.  I don’t know what they are, but I know I can work on myself, changing from the inside-out.  I want to be able to stand firm in who I am in Christ and be proud to say whatever it is I do.

So I’ll try it out now….Hello everyone, my name is Amy!  (What do you do?)  I am a child of God and I work everyday to become a better person and seek God’s will for my life!

 

Farewell to Facebook…

Dear Friends,

As you’ve followed along on my blogging journey, I hope it’s become clear that I have a passion to write and eventually minister to others.  I absolutely love to write and know that God placed this desire on my heart for a reason.  He’s given me the tools and the passion, and set me on a journey.

But I need to be honest.  I am a woman after God’s own heart.  I want to be an obedient, woman of Christ, and a vessel for God to use me.  For the past two years, I’ve prayed for God to show me His will for my life, and to use me in whatever way he sees fit, so I can best serve Him and His kingdom.  But I fail sometimes.

Over the past couple of years, my husband and I have faced some tough and trying times in our marriage.  I have failed him, and he has failed me.  Those days are over.  Satan wants to kill and destroy all that makes us happy and all that God wants for us.  I refuse to sit back anymore and let Satan into our lives.  This is a very real battle, and I’m preparing for it.

So what does that mean?  I’ve been convicted and know that Facebook is no longer serving me in a healthy way, and isn’t leading me to a life that I crave with my Heavenly Father.  The time I throw away on Facebook could be spend with my Heavenly Father, listening to Him and waiting for His guidance.  Instead, I choose to get caught up in the hussle and bussle of everyday life, and others gossip.  It’s just not a place for me anymore.

Now I do understand that Facebook is a great way to stay in touch with family and friends, but I’m giving you all my personal email address (arcrane2@gmail.com) and ask that you email me to stay in touch. 

It’s time for me to get off Facebook and get my face in THE BOOK!  I want to seek out God’s will for my life, and I’m making a change. I’m tired of just talking about it, I’m doing something about it.  I hope you will support me on this new journey and continue to follow and read my blog. As always, with something new, I expect this to be challenging and difficult, but it’s time…it’s my time.  I know a closer walk with Jesus will change my life in ways I can’t comprehend…and just the thought of that is enough for me to finally say…Farewell to Facebook.

 

Since We’ve Been Home…

It’s been almost 2 weeks since I’ve written, and so much has happened since then.

First I must start by updating you all on Ben’s recovery.  He is doing remarkably well, and his voice is about 90% back to normal! Thank you, Lord!  He has been doing a good job of following the Doctor’s orders to not bend over or lift anything, and walks on occasion without over-doing it.  It’s kind of funny to watch him try to pick something up because he’s so cautious not to bend over…he’ll usually put both knees on the ground and gently bend to one side to pick something up.  (This is of course when I’m not around to help.)

His speech, handwriting and coordination are also improving.  He had some difficulties for the past month with his right side, but each day it gets a little better. 

Although he’s getting better, it’s a struggle day in and day out.  He struggles with fatigue…as just going out to get the mail will leave him tired and ready for a nap.  I struggle too, because as a wife, there’s not much I can do for him.  It’s up to him to work on things and to recover, I can only support him with love and a tender heart.

I wanted to extend to you all, how deeply grateful I am for all your love and support throughout our journey.  Your prayers have meant so much to us, and they’ve been answered.  I will continue to write, and I hope you will continue to follow.  I love you all.

Last Day at UNC…

Boy do I feel like I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster since we arrived 15 days ago!  When we first came here, we were only supposed to be here 5 days, while they drain the CSF and “fix” the leak, then we’d be home.  Instead, there were some twists and turns, laughs and cries, and many prayers along the way.  However, the day has finally come where we get to head home, and we couldn’t be more excited.  God has answered.

All the doctors have been in today and they are very confident the leak is fixed and we are beginning the road to recovery.  He has one more dose of IV antibiotics they will give him later today, and after that…we can get in the car and head toward HOME!

This has to be one of my happiest and proudest moments since we’ve been here.  I tend to focus on how difficult it’s been on me, but that isn’t even a fraction of how difficult this has been on Ben.  He has demonstrated so much strength, courage and patience throughout all of this.  He hasn’t once complained about the circumstance or what he’s had to go through.  I have never been more proud of this amazing man I’m so fortunate to spend my life with.  He amazes me every single day, and I am more in love with him today, than I was the day we said, “I do.”  I thank God for sending me such a great man, with such a huge heart, and a friend to share my life with.  I’m humbled by his positive attitude and perseverance he eludes each and every day…I have a lot to learn from him!

Today is a wonderful day for us, and I’m so grateful to share it with so many of you who have followed our story and continue to support and pray for us.  We couldn’t do this without you and your help.  You all mean so much to us, and though we can’t fully express it in words,  I hope you know how grateful we are for you and your love.  You have truly helped us through a very difficult time in our lives, and I pray that God blesses all of you!

I will continue to update you on our journey post-hospital…and his recovery.  The next two weeks, he will be slowly recovering at home without much activity (only walking), but after that, they will aggressively begin vestibular physical therapy to work on his balance….more to come on that later =)

What a wonderful day!

The Battle…

Today I write with a heavy heart, as I struggle through a battle.  This is not only a physical battle, but a spiritual one too.  Ben and I have been so excited to finally prepare for going home…Since the second surgery, the plan has been to take out the lumbar drain today, and go home tomorrow! 

The good news is, the lumbar drain is out!  A neurosurgeon came in earlier today and took it out.  We even talked about going home tomorrow, and Ben and I just looked at each other, smiled, and gave each other the “air high five” =)

However, about 30 minutes later, the same doctor came in to talk to me.  He said that he has been talking to the infectious disease doctors, and our plans for going home may be put on hold a couple more days. (You may be thinking…what’s a couple more days?  But for us…that seems like an eternity.  We are already on day 12, sleep deprived, and exhausted.) 

But, the infectious disease doctors have been continuously taking samples of Ben’s CSF and testing for bacteria and infections.  Some bacteria grew from the first culture, and they are currently treating the infection with IV antibiotics.  Unfortunately, there aren’t oral antibiotics that compare or are as effective as the IV antibiotics he’s currently on.  They have him on a 10 day program, which would take us to Wednesday.  Now, they are exploring different options, but we may be looking at another 3 days at the hospital.

This is extremely difficult for me because I’m tired and Ben’s tired.  I’m physically tired and emotionally tired.  I just want to see Ben get settled in at home and for us to return to a somewhat normal lifestyle.  It’s so hard to see him get more and more weak with each passing day in a hospital bed. 

I also struggle, because as I try to remain positive and trust in God, we continue to have small “set backs” that prevent us from what we truly want.

I talked with my mother-in-law, Becky, earlier today and she helped me regroup and focus.  She explained to me that I’m being tested and tried, and that this is a spiritual battle.  She prayed with me over the phone to give me courage and strength, and though she’s not physically here, she’s been a great Godly influence from far away. 

So I write today, to tell you about my struggles and my spiritual battle, but also to take a stand and let everyone know, I won’t give up.  Instead, I choose to let God carry me, lead me, and prepare me for my future.  I will let God lead and trust in him.  Today I find peace in this scripture…

Ephesians 6: 10-20 NIV

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. ¹⁹ Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, ²⁰ for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

 

I am confident that God will not give me more than I can handle, because He has promised us this.  I find comfort in God’s love and peace, and I know He will give me the strength to push through this “set back.” 

I will press on and fight the good fight. 

Quick Update from UNC

Ben seems to be doing much better!  Yesterday, for our anniversary, he stood up and walked around.  Today, same thing.  He even sat in a chair for a while and shaved.

The plan remains the same…they will leave the lumbar drain in until Sunday, take it out completely, and if all goes well, we will be on our way home Monday. This time, I hope we can go home and stay home!

Everyone’s been great here, and I am so thankful for family that’s traveled far to be here.  I have enjoyed being able to hang out with my sister-in-law, Dawn, and I love our daily trips to the cafe here in the hospital to get warm coffee.  (For those who don’t know, Ben prefers to keep his room here in the hospital like the arctic tundra!)  Meanwhile, Ben and his dad have been spending the majority of the day watching either golf, politics, or football =)

Thanking God for the progress we’ve made so far since the second surgery, and looking forward to a quick and healthy recovery ahead.

Quick Update from UNC

Ben seems to be doing much better!  Yesterday, for our anniversary, he stood up and walked around.  Today, same thing.  He even sat in a chair for a while and shaved.

The plan remains the same…they will leave the lumbar drain in until Sunday, take it out completely, and if all goes well, we will be on our way home Monday. This time, I hope we can go home and stay home!

Everyone’s been great here, and I am so thankful for family that’s traveled far to be here.  I have enjoyed being able to hang out with my sister-in-law, Dawn, and I love our daily trips to the cafe here in the hospital to get warm coffee.  (For those who don’t know, Ben prefers to keep his room here in the hospital like the arctic tundra!)  Meanwhile, Ben and his dad have been spending the majority of the day watching either golf, politics, or football =)

Thanking God for the progress we’ve made so far since the second surgery, and looking forward to a quick and healthy recovery ahead.

In sickness and in health…

Today, Ben and I celebrate our forth year wedding anniversary, and what a journey it’s been.  This year he’s not in Afghanistan or EOD school, and I’m not away at training, we are together.  Even though we’re in a hospital and we are here under some pretty extreme circumstances, we are still together.

I have grown to love my husband more and more, and our trials and tribulations have only brought us closer together.  We were young when we got married, but we’ve grown so much in our marriage.  He means more to me than I can express to you in words.  He is my best friend, support, and with out a doubt my favorite person to just sit and watch TV with.

We live a somewhat simple life, but it’s ours.  God has blessed our marriage and I’m so grateful I’m more in love with my husband today, than I was the day we got married.

Happy Anniversary, Ben…I love you so very much!

 

The Surgery and Answered Prayers

As some of you may already know, Ben is out of surgery and recovering.  I’d like to share with you what the doctors said, when we met yesterday afternoon.

I left Ben down in the OR holing area around 1:45PM yesterday, and he went in to surgery a little after 2:00PM.  The surgeons called me around 5:00PM and said he was out of surgery and in another holding area trying to wake up.  Dr. Adunka and Dr. Ewend came up to our room to talk to us, in the meantime.

They  said they went in and immediately found where the leak was coming from.  There was a small hole in a bone in the middle ear, and the CSF was leaking through the bone, through air holes, into the Eustacia tube, and down his throat/out his nose.  They said the leak was fairly large, and without surgery, never would have repaired itself….so it’s great they went ahead with surgery.  They also took some more fat from his belly (I still don’t know why they won’t let me donate some of my fat to the cause) and repacked the fat in the hole in his head, along with the Eustacia tube.  They actually packed the Eustacia tube completely and sowed his ear shut, since he can hear out of that ear anyway.  They did all of these things just as a precautionary measure, to make sure the leak doesn’t happen again!  They also want to leave the lumbar drain in another five days, yes you heard me correctly…five days, to keep the pressure off his head, and give the area time to heal and for swelling to go down.

As for Ben, he says he feels okay this morning…besides the fact that his belly hurts from where they took fat, and his head feels like he got hit with a baseball bat. But, they’re able to get him some pretty good pain meds, which seem to help some.

So the plan now….is to stay here until Sunday when they will take the lumbar drain out completely.  They will watch him closely and keep an eye on him, but if all is well, we will be home MONDAY!  However, for the next couple of weeks, he will have to be very quiet and lay down most of the time, and will not be able to lift anything or even bend over.  The only activity he will be able to do is walk, but even that will be limited until we get the “clear” from the doctors.

I’m so grateful they did surgery and found exactly where the leak was coming from.  Yesterday, we both prayed exactly what we wanted Jesus to do (thank you Becky for leading us to that prayers).  We prayed they would go in and find the leak, fix it, and we could be going home sometime this weekend.  That’s exactly what happened.  Thank you, Jesus, for hearing our prayers and answering!

I can’t tell you how much of a relief I feel that the surgery is over.  For the first time since we’ve been here with this whole CSF Leak, I feel confident that it is fixed, and that we are finally on the road to recovery.  I feel the absolute worst is over and I’m confident that his cough will get better and his voice will come back, now that he doesn’t have CSF dripping down the back of his throat!

I can’t express in writing to you all, how grateful we both are for all your support and prayers.  I know I keep saying “thank you,” but it never feels like enough. You all mean so much to us and we are so blessed to have you in our lives.  If there’s ever anything we can pray for, please let us know!

With love,

Amy

 

Surgery Round 2!

Yesterday I have to admit I was pretty much a “Debbie-downer” because I was worried we were essentially wasting time in the hospital.  I also admit I haven’t felt that this second lumbar drain wasn’t going to work. I was trying not to be pessimistic, but after the first one failed, it was hard for me to find hope that the second one would.

I remember talking to some of my family yesterday and saying how I almost wish they would just do they surgery, so we can move on toward recovery.  It’s hard to see Ben in the hospital, because each day he gets a little more weak and a little more frustrated.

Well this morning my concerns were answered, thank you Jesus!  I came in early (Rita was on hospital overnight shift) and I went to order Ben food.  When I called down, the gentleman said Ben had been cut off food!  I immediately wondered what was going on.  Ben said, “Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, they want to do surgery today.” WHAT?!

I got a little more information from Ben, and then our doctors, Dr. Adunka and Dr. Ewend, came in to explain what they wanted to do.  They literally had the same concerns that I did and didn’t want to waste time with the drain.  I know it’s not a coincidence that they had the exact same concerns as me!  They said they want to proceed with surgery to fix the leak.  So what’s the plan?

They are hopefully going to do surgery this afternoon, and they will go in through the same incision on his head and look for the leak.  They are hoping that once they go in, they will immediately see where the leak is.  If that’s the case, they will be able to repack the fat they used from his belly, use some surgical wax, and they’re done!  However, if the leak is not clear, they will do everything in their power to fix and prevent another leak from occurring.  This means they will repack the fat, and even take another fat graph from his belly if they need to, plus they will stuff his ear canal on the right side, and sow his ear shut to make sure another lead doesn’t occur.

The surgery should only be a couple of hours, but they will use a breathing tube again.  They are also planning to leave the lumbar drain in during surgery, and will leave it in for 2-3 days post-op to see if they can help prevent a leak from reoccurring.

Hopefully, if all goes well, we will be out of here by the weekend!

I spoke with my mother-in-law, Becky this morning, and she told me to ask Jesus what we want Him to do.  My prayer is that Jesus will guide these doctors to find and seal the leak, and that Ben can begin the road to recovery.  I pray we can go home by Saturday and continue the process in the comfort of our home.  I pray for healing for Ben and for His comforting hand in this whole procedure.

I am so thankful that my concerns were the same as the doctors, and that my concerns were answered today.  I pray we are now on the right track to recovery and we can fix this problem.

I ask that you please continue to pray for Ben, for healing, and that he can quickly regain his strength.  Thank you all very much for your support and for following our journey.

With Love,

Amy